Daddy dearest

I think I might go blind crying. I cried a lot but this week was the worst. I cried over my ex and the doubt I have inside and now I'm crying for my father.

My father is leaving for Baghdad this Monday. I am used to the fact that he's always not around. In fact most of my life I spent it without him. All I can remember was, he's always busy. Even when paying me visits at school during my school years (if he happen to be around),never in a minute he would left his eyes from his labtop..it's kinda make me feel sad and unappreciated...He scarcely knew anything about us(me and my bro)..and this year, he wished me happy birthday, a day after my birthday even everybody did make a big fuss about it :)..Me and my bro were used to the fact that he's not around to fuss about us and so when he got back once in a while, things will be odd. He'll start asking questions about us..and the situation turned to be awkward. No.I don't hate my father neither did my bro. It just that..the bond between us is not sturdy.

I think he practically have some idea about this conditions. So when he was told to stay in Malaysia to finish the entire job he had to, he took the opportunity to build a bridge between me and my bro.I should say, he did an excellent job. I am now so fond of him and his presence really lightens up my life. I did not feel like hiding away from my father anymore..Actually that is the reason why it's hard for me to let him got his time even though this kind of occurrence happen all the time. What most, he'll be missing my graduation day, he'll miss the moment I'll be wearing my robe. The reason I still hanging on ,on what I was doing was..because I want to make him proud of me and now I feel like ..it meant nothing anymore.. In fact he was not always there on big occasion such as Hari Raya. ...hmmm..

He acknowledged me over dinner yesterday

"Awak jangan nangis pulak ayah tak datang konvo.Bukan sengaja tak nak datang", I only smiled even at that time my eyes were already watery. But hey, I'm such an excellent actress.No one knew that I was bothered by the news. Mom even said..

"Macamlah awak kisah kalau ayah takde", my parents, I wish both of you recognize me more so u know what's been playing on my mind.

On top of it, I pity mom the most. For once again she'll be leaving in solitude. I bet she miss him the most and will feel lonely coz me and my bro are always doing something. I'm thinking of moving back to Shah Alam, to keep her company so she won't feel that sad. But without dad, me and mom will always find something to bicker about..Hm..I need to do some talking with yamyam.

I hope Iraq's condition is better. I dun want something bad happens to my dad. If he managed to finished this job within time,he might then, be going to Jordan. And mom, will be joining him..and then..what will happen to me? Surely I'll be left out here, in Malaysia..Uh..Saaaad..I dun want to think anymore. Someone please pass me the aspirin..or I might need a new pair of shoes..Pleaseeee..