Spirit

My friend shida,had give birth to a baby [boy ke girl tak sure].There you go, another one with a baby, which make me another aunty.Kalau orang lain nak merasa jadik aunty kepada anak aku, hahaha..macam tak dapat je.Anyway, congrats to shida.


Another report relating my school[ye, aku semangat skolah] is we are now in the process to gather info for our purnama. The thing is, every year..there will be a school magazine but during our final year, there's no school magazine.I mean.. WTF? I bet most of fivers have their picture taken in almost clubs and society. Yela since presidents of the clubs were our friends, so sukatila nak ajak sape pon join amik gamba.And we have like lots of activities and yadda yadda to be reported. Tapi taik betul..no school mag.I told ag once about this and he mocked me..not only ag la..but my other friends too..macam "kau poyo-poyo je cite pasal skolah tapi magazine skolah takde".Memalukan


Anyway, bagus jugak since aku nampak buruk gile mase skolah.[U should see norzie pawan chek pic's and you will understand what i mean].Now i can post my civilized pics, not only me but all of us. Tapi nikkit dah pesan taleh amik gamba tak formal..tsk..tsk..nikkit aku baru je nak ambik gamba dengan button baju terbukak satu per satu..hohohohoh. And..if formal school magazines, only formal activities will be allowed to be included but since this is our own doings, so sukati mak bapak kitorangla nak letak activity apa.Smoking, pecah masuk dining hall, melecture anak orang dan jugak aktiviti- aktiviti lain yang tidak membawa faedah.


Yeah, out purnama will include everything not only starting from form 1 until form 5 but also what is happening now.Weddings, engagement and what's notlah.I wonder if they want to list out siapa yang banyak kali bercinta dengan bagai nak rak tetapi gagal..Uh, no.Tak relevant.


Nway, can't wait for the birth of our purnama batch!!

Freak

I love my room so much coz to me it's a place to do anything. Nak tido ke, nak nangis ke, nak bogel ke..sukati akula kan.And there are a lot of stuff there which i feel some kind of important connection with every each of them. I rarely throw any item coz..i fret they might cry, begging me not to throw them..[hohoh..yes, i know]


The bad thing is..whenever i don't sleep in my room, i tend to pack almost everything.Semua benda nak bawak ok.Hairdryer, lotions, segala sepit-scarf, all sorts of creams and..oh..baju tak usah ceritalah.Kalau tertinggal satu rasa macam berdosa sangat ok.


You see,someone i know, who i shall named as lonelyman, was on his business trip to the island of eagle last week.Though someone did remind him to pack early but dia eksyen. He thought he's a superman, can pack everything within minutes. As the result, he only brought one pair of shoes, which is a formal pair.Apa kejadah nak pakai kasut keje tepi pantai.Just imagine, a guy in a short wearing sock and his formal shoes.Tsk..tsk.At last he decided not to wear any shoes at all..As if beach boy lakan..Cam cool la.Tapi tell melah, ade ke beach boy yang pegi jalan membeli belah tak pakai kasut?Setau akulakan, orang yang jalan-jalan tak pakai kasut ni, orang zaman paleolitik je.hohoh..Then he told me,on entering a shop..someone approached him


sales assistant:bang, tak payah bukak kasut, bang..sini boleh pakai kasut.
lonelyman:eh, takpe, saya memang tak nak pakai kasut.Saya suka cam ni[as if!!]
lonelyman colleague:*ketawa cam nak mati*


Man, i wish i was there..to laugh my ass out..hehe


If it's me..i'll bring every single shoes. Like..during hari raya, even my grandma house is only sekangkang kera[betul ke ni?] my luggage will be so big as if i'm going for umrah. Yeah, i get mocked but hey, it's better to take precaution right? I mean, let say for all the sudden, the shoes that i brought, didn't match my baju, who will get the brain tumor?Akuuu jugak.


Anyway, now you know why i seldom travel.Don't even ask me to go backpacking unless..you can lift a refrigerator.

Over

I can't live without you
Can't breathe without you
I'm dreamin' bout you
Honestly, tell me that it's over
Cause if the world is spinning and I'm still living
It won't be right if were not in it together
Tell me that it's over
Tell me that it's over, over
Honestly tell me, honestly tell me
Don't tell me that it's over
Don't tell me that it's over


sometimes, loving someone with all your heart will hurt you
sometimes, loving someone with all your heart is not enough


still no matter happen i will always love you
even you said you don't

Vacation

Tomorrow will be the second year I'm having this blog. My first intention was to decant all my heart feelings and inscribe anything I feel on what had happened around me. I love to write..so much and I find it stimulating every time I write on this blog. I'm not quite a focus person, but on this, I can do it everyday. It's funny when to think of it. Some people would go out with friends, take a vacation, party when they are depressed or trying to find peace but all I do..is blog. How bizarre is that?


Blogging had given me satisfaction. When I was a kid I wanted to do something with writing or art but my parents made me choose science stream so I've got no choice. Blogging also had given me the opportunity to know beautiful and wonderful people who shared the same passion as I am. Reading their blogs will always made my day and created a smile on my face, it gave a peek of life in various perspectives. It opened my mind and made me think and yeah, it did open my heart.


When I first write, there are not much people reading so I can write anything that I yearn for. Now, things changed. I can't write as much as I like what my heart may desire. They are people readings and they are hearts who I have to take care of [although sometime, I did not.ha!]. These days, most of the time, I keep my grave thoughts to myself. My darkest secret, my heart cries and my ultimate worries. Even that, I still keep hurting people.


I think I need a break from blogging. No, I'm not quitting, I'm just having a time off. Perhaps time to think and time for my own. But I will still be visiting people's blog therefore keep writing those beautiful thoughts of yours. It will simply make my day or other people's day.

vacation = starbuck ice choc + dunhill

My final say, to Liverpool..Good luck for the champs league. To ag, good luck for your exam, I know u can do it and I have faith in you. I will always do. Just the way you always be in my heart..


So people..


Don't miss me!


xoxoxox
.:chics:.

p.s:if I don't say this, it will kill me.trust me people.. Rob Thomas' butt in lonely no more is so sexy ok.Like sooo sexy..Rrrrrrrrrr..
ok.done.

Huhuhukk..

I don't usually write on sunday, so you can guess how boring i am today. I'm having my sinus and the nearest shop don't sell kleenex tissue so i had to deal with premier instead. Sheesh


Since i got nothing to do, was thinking to play make over by myself. Yes i know i'm vain and pathetic but that's what makes me happy. So, since i think that i'm more thinner now, might as well i try on my party clothes or my clothes that used to wear when i'm skinnier, But....i just couldn't locate them and then i remembered..


mom:will you stop wearing those obscene clothes?
me:what obscene?i'm wearing jacket outside. *trying my best to act innocent*
mom:like i donnolah.one of these days i'm going to throw all or burn all those clothes.
me:*pretend not to hear and watch tv*


And now it's gone. My EA halterneck, my BCBG tube, CK jeans that i cut and turn it to hot pants, few more halternecks, see through tops from esprit and kookai.And few more items.


Warghh..Don't tell me she really did it! I mean, i really love those stuff and to buy it now, mcm susah sebab skang i have to use my own money. Back then it's dad's money.Hehehe..


This is so unfair. Why didn't she confiscate my bro t-shirt with those obscene pictures? Skeleton fucking in various positionslah, those colourful and various shapes of condom and those entah hape-hape t-shirt lagi. Apsalla bila time aku, mesti kantoi.hoh!!!


Tsk..tsk..emo lagi..sorry

Alone

I missed my dad terribly today. I'm yearning for him to be here so I can give him a hug. I wish he is here to give me his warm smile. To tell me everything is going to be all right. After all he is the best man I ever know. Even at times he let me down by not caring enough but I know he sincerely loves me. All he did was sacrificing himself to make us happy without asking for any in return. But, as for being a first-class father, by becoming the finest exemplar, I will love him with all my heart. No conditions, no nothing. Just love.

kite rindu ayah :'(

Today is a quiet day and my mind is empty. I'm not quite a quiet type of person. I get pleasure from being surrounded by people that I can talk and laugh with. Clubbing places and big crowds at concert can really make me go hyper. And yeah, I love to talk but talking alone is no fun , you see.


But at times I rather be alone. Being single-handedly made you thinks clearly and gives you serenity sometimes. You can even have your own quality times. Because being with people sometimes can really wound you or it's either you who contribute the impair. What is the purpose being with someone when all you do is hurting each other or being for someone who you know can't be there for you when you need them? Or being with someone when he or she have doubts and questions your sincerity? Even worst is when, you are with someone, all you are to him or her is worry.


Maybe being alone is not a bad idea at all. Like someone said to me..


"We will die alone"


So today, I chose to be on my own.
Alone.

Mee ruski

Time: Some night
Venue:Any kedai
Ambiance: A bit noisy
Actor: Miss A and Miss G, waiter and beberapa pelakon tambahan yang lain.


Waiter: Nak order apa?
Miss A: Teh ais satu lepas tu bagi maggie goreng.
Miss G:Urmm..Air suam dengan erm..nasik lemaklah.
Waiter:*berpura-pura tulis lepas tu blah*
Miss A:*Gossip*
Miss G:*Gossip jugak*
5 minutes later, the waiter deliver their order.

Miss G:Macam sedap je Maggie goreng tu?
Miss A: Tryla.
Miss G:Sedap sial!! Nyesal tak order


Familiar? He..That what happened to me. Few days ago, someone made a bowl of iinstant noodle for me.Mee ruski. Iye, memang agak tak best nama dia [iklan dia,lagilaa] but the truth is sangatla best. Memang werld ok.

perisa tomyam..pergh!!

So after that day, I've been craving for the taste of that mee and yesterday I bought whole packets of that instant noodle. You know, I'm a pro in cooking[or issit boiling] instant noodle coz I had been practicing it since form 1. My maggie tak penah yang tak sedap ok. Trust me on that.


But yesterday, the Maggie that I prepared doesn't taste the same like the other day. At first I thought it's because I put too much water but can't be since the salt taste was still there.Hmm..Nak kata salah bancuh macam tak logik. Bukan susah sangat nak bancuh..Mungkinkah disebabkan bekas aku tak berwarna merah atau suasana dan cuaca kurang sesuai? Humm?


Which make me wonder, apsal seme makanan orang sedap bila kita beli tak sedap?
Sape terrel sila jawab.


Ok skang aku rasa, drama di atas macam takde kaitan tapi takpe..
Whatever.
Happy Friday people.
Enjoy your weekends!!

Star wars

First thing first. I am angry with the commuter ticket man. I dunno what's his problem. Everytime i want to buy a ticket, dia selalu lembab. Like today, when i wanted to buy the ticket, instead of giving me the ticket, he put his hand on his pocket, carik apa aku tatau then looked at his watch and just stared blankly at me. Just as the commuter arrived, he passed me the ticket. Sah-sahla aku tak sempat nak kejar that train coz I had to run and crossed the jejantas.Bloody idiot..and I had to wait for 15 minutes more.Ahhhhhh...


Ok.So everyone are talking about star wars 3 and everybody asked me whether i booked my ticket already. I said no. I loathe star wars and it's keturunan. Well, maybe i'm 1 in 100 who think star wars doesn't rock that much. No, i'm not mocking your liking but i just don't like story like that. I even loathed matrix and believe it or not,i didn't watch not even one of the series. Why lah? Entah. Maybe because i don't like fiction movies. It's true that i love watching light movies but i'm a sucker for thinking-good movies too like beautiful mind. Ag is a movie junkie. He made me watched kingdom of heaven and even XXX[?!!?]but ehe, he too is not interested to watch star wars. Yeay! Atleast ada jugak orang macam aku dalam dunia ni. Kalau tak mesti aku sengsara dalam cinema itu.huhuh..


I like movie with hot hot chicas or at least a good storyline like forrest gump or catch me if u can.And oohhh... i love romantic movie. But please don't ask me to watch movie with the-tangkap-muat-skrip-asal-aku-dapat-1-juta-sudahla type of movie. I rather eat at mamak. Thank you.


Oklah.To you guys, star wars fans, selamat berebut beli tiket.Hehe

Jawi

A colleague asked me to lend her a hand on extracting some content from newspaper cuttings and so I helped.


There were lots of newspaper cutting from various newspapers in English and Malay. Then I began to work industriously [ha!] until I stumbled on a piece of paper..written in jawi.


When I was in standard three, I pleaded to my mom to enroll me into sekolah agama because I want to go together with my crush that time [dajah 3 pon dah gatal]. So I learned jawi there. And when I was in form three, one of my ustazah made us wrote in jawi. If we did write that on the exam paper, she would gave us extra 5 marks, which naturally I didn't. Not because I didn't know how but because I simply refused to listen to instructions. Hehehe.


But yesterday, while I was trying to infer what was written on the paper..i was like..menggelupur.WTF? Merangkak-rangkak ok..Bongok gile. And you know what? I felt guilty after that. Sebab artikel tu macam panjang, so I skipped it. It's been ages since I practice any jawi writing or reading. Bad..bad..


I think everyone should know how to read and write their mother's tongue no matter what race you are. Although jawi or Arabic is not mine tapi I felt guilty sebab dah macam gagal baca jawi dengan lancar, terasa macam menderhaka [macam tak make sense, tapi takpe]. Maybe I should revise my jawi back.


Sorry ye ustazah Zarina. Nanti saya belajar balik, tapi janji jangan suruh diri atas krusi.

Desicion

huhu.what shall i write today? Oh ok. I have one.


Have you ever been in situation whether u can't seemed to make the right choice? I mean, you know u wanted something but at the same time you know u can't but actually u can. Confuse already? Aha tell me about it.


ok.ok. it's like this, here's an example. your dad give you his platinum card and tell you that u can buy anything you want but u have to use it wisely. You know your dad so well. He can afford anything but he would not splurge on your-so-called-important-things.So you went for a window shopping at KLCC and on passing shuz, u spotted a pair of amazing manolos,like totally calling your name. But it would cost a fortune.


now.you know you can buy that shoes, maybe you contribute some of your own money but to imagine your dad's face when his visa's bills arrive is one thing you can't cope with. Yeah, it's true, he gave you the permission to buy whatever you want but few K's for a pair of shoes? You can just walk away but how could you when that shoes already stole your heart and you probobly can't sleep at night thinking about it.Besides, you and shoes are totally inseparable.


ok fine maybe tak masuk akal, coz not everybody like shoes. Fine. I'll find another example.


You have a bestfriend of 5 years and you love her. She has a boyfriend but then after sometime her boyfriend started to show interest on you and the bad thing is you like him too. No,now..he confessed he wanted to be with you, you want to but how can..she is your best friend? and when you try to define a border between you and him, he accuse you for not truly loving him and when you treat him well, the guilt ate you. So how?


You see, if you don't buy that shoes..you would feel bad like really bad and if you do..you feel guilty. If you reject the guy your heart will break but if you accept him, you would lose your bestfriend.


One thing for sure, what ever decision you make, you will still be mocked. You will still remain as the selfish one.The ungrafetul one or maybe the one who taking advantages on other people kindness.


Susahkan hidup ni?

Thoughts

There are so many things inside my mind.They keep screaming to my face.While i'm in the shower, while i'm driving and even when i was puffing my ciggies.To make your monday more miserable, here it goes:


1. i'm 37 kg now but i still think i'm not thin enough
2. i swear by the name of nectarcell catalysse because according to my psycho mind, i think my thighs fatness are reducing day by day[ha!]
3. i have a purple umbrella with lamb prints and i began to sniff them constantly since last week.Am i sick or what?
4. if i am a lesbian, i would go for gwen stefani.
5. if i don't stop whining,ag will end in the mental hospital soon.
6. i may look like a bitch but i cried like a baby [hoh!]
7. if ag does not make me happy in the end, i will strangle him.
8. if i do not make ag happy in the end, i err.. will think about it later.
9. section 10 rawk big time, others sucks.
10. i seldom entertain stranger on my YM, i will click the 'x' button instead.
11. red is definitely the best colour, it can represent so many things.
12. i have dunhill for breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner.
13. my cat, mj is a psycho, she must adopt it from one of us.
14. i used wanting to marry myself, now i wish to marry someone else.
15. i don't like sugar song featuring lil kim coz i think the singer is super duper ugly and how did all those chicas manages to menggatal with him and lil kim boobies are so fake.
16. my boyfriend told me that i'm becoming more ordinary and more predictable.
17. i am missing someone
18. i know u guys are making that face, probobly snickering of boredom *yawn*
19.

this is me on fadzi's nikah ceremony,for more pic click here
20. now u have read this, you can go back to work.


oh my, my life is pathetic.

Wed

My bedmate of 5 years is getting married today.She had been sitting beside my bed since form one until our last year in school.


I just don't know what else to say. I have lost my words.I don't want to hurt people's feeling anymore, especially the one who i care about.


To my beloved Fadzilah Mohamad [yes, you read them correctly],
Selamat Pengantin Baru
May both of you live happily ever after.


Ok.I'm off to the nikah ceremony.
Hope i can find a nice tudung to wear that match my baju.

Semua tentang kita

Waktu terasa semakin berlalu
Tinggalkan cerita tentang kita
Akan tiada lagi kini tawamu
Tuk hapuskan semua sepi di hati


Ada cerita tentang aku dan dia
Dan kita bersama saat dulu kala
Ada cerita tentang masa yang indah
Saat kita berduka saat kita tertawa



Teringat disaat kita tertawa bersama
Ceritakan semua tentang kita


Ada cerita tentang aku dan dia
Dan kita bersama saat dulu kala
Ada cerita tentang masa yang indah
Saat kita berduka saat kita tertawa

semua tentang kita

i mean every single word i say
i mean every single tear i shed
i mean every single hope i make
and
i mean it when i say i love you


maybe i should close down this blog.

Simple life

You know what is favourite show at this moment? It's simple life. Yeah, put on that face and scorn but it's true I enjoy this show.


Perhaps most of you rather raise your hand for the apprentice or the contender but when i watch tv i want peace and i don't want to get any brain damage as the result of thinking intensely or feeling depressed. Hoh, yeah. I am superficial, i know but it's my liking.


You see, those two spoilt brats struggled to fit in so-called-normal-world when actually they don't even comprehend the word simple or normal themselves. And I tell you it's hilarious when they tried to blend in when their attitude were somewhat iniquitous. My unrivaled scene was when Nicole flirted and says "you're so hot" to an old, portly truck driver who was sweating like a pig and he was feeling nothing but flattered. He even blushed and checked himself from his side mirror. To me it was an evil doing but funny at the same time. And another one was when both Nicole and Paris ask a ripened chap to perform butt dancing and claimed "oh, I've never seen anything like that before". Pure evil. Wicked. But I laughed my ass out. And I haven't mention about how disaster it went when they get themselves a job. Tsk..tsk..


If given options, I won't vote for a simple life. I hate being simple and ordinary. Why would Nicole and Paris opt for a simple life? I won't and I bet given opportunity everybody wouldn't. But you know, life is not always fair and life sometimes does not leave much option for us. We don't usually get what we want. Even though the heart is howling, still we have to swallow anything that being left for us. Just to live.


Even loath or even shed uncountable tears, simple life it is. Eat and swallow.


Apart from me, who love bimbo-ness + evil-ness? Raise your hand!!
Takkan aku sorang je kot?

Sacrifice

My bro is back from his so-called-vacation..and he bought a cute baby t from planet hollywood.Celake,mase aku takde kau pergi berpoye-poye kat planet ye?Hard rockla, embassyla..kejam sungguh :(.


Anyway, i'm a bit pissed off with myself. Today, i realised i lost one of my earings again.Benci tau. I was having the visual image what to wear today and it felt so wrong without the earing.See..Besides being a psychopath, i am one absent minded girl too.I also lost my bangles and yesterday was the fourth time i bought my eyeliner sharpener.


Actually that is not what i want to say.Hehehe..biaselakan,setiap benda mesti ada intro :P. Anyway, have you like..dream of something maybe since you were a kid or when u have enough of brain cell[ha!] to think on your own..you pray hard so that one day your dream will come true..it's like..your most ultimate dream even you know, u can only dream..on .And then one day,the opportunity lays in front of you.It comes to embraces you.It really tempts you..and you know that this is what you have been wanting for your whole life. But..sadly..you can't grab it because of circumtances. It's like..if u take it, other party will get hurt or people will disapprove. Love and care is all about sacrifice.


You rather sacrifice your own happiness, your own dream just to make other people happy.


After all, life does not revolve around you.

Zoo

I was not feeling well yesterday.Physically and mentally.No please don't eleborate or else I'm going to say the 'F' word again.

hyper hyppos

Anyway, me and ag went to the zoo on sunday.Don't make thet face but animals really fascinate me.I love animals so much and yes, i am a weirdo,so shut up. Anyway[again] we reached there around six.Tak ramai orang dah sangat which i like..since i hate to go to crowded places except for clubbng area[ha!].So we go and jalan-jalanlah kan.When it came to savannah walk, it was getting dark and nobody was around..


me:by, knape takde orang dah?
ag:sebab i book tempat ni untuk kite duorang je.hehehe *cute smile*


Fine.So we continued walking.I really wanted to see snakes.I love snakes, was thinking to adopt one tapi ag agak tak brani [berdaulat tak bahasa ni?hahaha] and he's afraid kalau-kalau nanti the snake that i adopt accidentally get into my bag and pop his head while ag is looking for something inside that naga-bag of mine.But then,takpelah, tengoklah harimau and singa dulu.But, those preditors seemed to hide themself, tanak kuar..sheesh..Nak tengok rimau!!!!!I guess they don't want to let me down so they began to roar..like lawan mengaum sape lagik kuat.Mungkin mereka berkata

harimau kandang 1:Sial..nak kuar bodoh!!
harimau kandang 2:Senyaplah bodoh!!Macamlah boleh kuar pon kalau kau bising-bising.
harimau kandang 1:Kau apsal?Kalau brani mehla sini.
harimau kandang 2:Lantak kaulah!!


By that time..it was dark.Aku heran jugak apsal tak pasang lampu ni?Hmm..I was thinking..kalau night safari takkan takde lampu kot..but whatever..we continued walking.Until it was so dark and both of us were getting lemas.


ag:By, sebelum tengok ular, i nak pegi tengok entrance jap.
me:Ok..ok..


so we went and....there were nobody..the worst thing is..gate semua dah tutup.
Like tutup with grills and all.


ag looked at me and i looked at him.
fuck.
takkan nak tido dalam zoo kot.
selain dari binatang-binatang pasti terdapat makhluk lain which i dun want to eleborate..


so ag was like memberanikan diri dalam kegelupuran mencarik the way to go out while i was dealing with my own gelupuran by doing nothing.
luckilly the exit was open.
and ag car's was the only one left.


celake..bapak takut ok.
tapi sape suruh dua-dua bongok tak cek dulu.


actually..zoo negara is only open at night only on friday and saturday.


sengal..nasib baik tak kene tido dalam zoo..
hoh!!


more pic of lawatan ke zoo

Nothing

I shall not write anything today.
Thank you

Forbidden

Have you ever tempt by something that you are not supposed to do?


Like me, I really want to adopt a puppy. I find that puppy is so cute. Hmm..maybe i could have silky terrier or chihuahua..Macam comel sangatlakan.And i will make him/her sleep with me like the way i sleep with my cats.But..it's a sin to have a dog for a pet.


I also would like to have a tatoo.Maybe a butterfly shape at the back of my shoulder..or maybe a unicorn.Sangat comella ok.Though the procedure is going to be excruciating but i don't mind really.Tapi I can't have that too coz, it's forbidden. Nanti nak semayang or manji wajib tak sah.


And i want cosmetic surgery.Ye memang aku tak puas hati dengan apa yang aku ada.Tapi sukati akula.Macamla aku nyusahkan korang.Tapi tak boleh jugak coz..it's wrong.


I wish i can kill people for bitching up my life.Macamla aku kenal kau.Macamla aku kacau hidup kau.I mean hello, kalau aku miserable ke happy ke..ade ke aku menyusahkan kau?Sukatila aku nak bercinta-cinta ke nak whining ke ape ke.Kau apa hal? Ni blog akula bodoh,sukati akula nak tulis apa.Tak suka janganla baca, tapi nampak sangat kau suka sebab kau baca sampai habis.Tak puas hati mehla jumpa depan.Atleast you can have a taste of my bitch slap, sebab aku takleh blasah kau sampai mati.Nanti aku masuk jel, sape susah?Akuu jugak yang susah..Ok,maybe i can kill that someone sebab maybe die miserable jugak and probobly not hot looking at all..but the most sad part is..that person have a ugly heart.So kalau aku bunuh pon takpe, kurangla sorang manusia berhati taik dalam dunia ni kan.But..again..i can't do that.Because, I can't take my own presecution..There is The Mighty one who will do it for me.Ha!


It's all..forbidden..

go away

Do you know how does it feel to be suicidal? Let me tell you about it.

You feel like your life is empty, like there's no more joy and it's not worth living. When you sleep at night, you wish you would never open your eyes and when you wake up every morning, you can't see any ray or hear the bird singing. All you heard is noise.Noise.And noise. And you wish you could make whatever it is shut the fucking hell up.

Things that you care don't matter anymore. Even things that used to amuse you failed to cheer you up but..to the world you are smiling and maybe laughing.

I am having a nervous breakdown and I tried to give signal to those who I thought care but I think they misinterpreted me. They say I'm needy and I'm hard to please. The truth is I'm fucked up. I am lost and I need comfort. But maybe I'm giving the wrong signal too. You see maybe all they hear was yapping, yapping and yapping.Or barking, barking and barking. I bet you too did not get my signal.

All I need is someone to listen, to love me, to comfort me when I'm feeling downhearted.. especially really down. Why issit that they only understand me when my spirit is soaring? Why issit that when I'm deprived and lost and helpless and seeking comfort they said that I'm difficult and needy and so hard to please? Can they see that I just want to be and feel really loved? That I need support?

I am not ok. How can I be ok when I cry when I supposed to laugh, I choke when I'm supposed to swallow, I feel fat when I can feel my own bones, I am tired but I can't sleep? I don't know why the hell I am having this frightful feeling. I really want to know where this shit comes from and how can to make it go away. Say I'm mengada or what so ever fucking things u want to say.I dun fucking care.I dun even give a fuck on what you think about me.

Kenapa aku aje yang nak kene give give give and give. Kenapa aku aje yang nak kene paham orang, nak kene comfort orang?Kenapa macam tu? Tak boleh ke orang nak paham aku macamana? How I feel and what I want?

To whoever said the world does not revolve around me,fuck you too.

No.I don't want to talk about it. Go away.

Fixed

I am happy today.Because ermm..I am happyla.And because liverpool made it to the final.Ok poyo aku tau.


My bro is going to jakarta today.He'll be staying with my dad, tak taula dia nak balik bila but i bet he's going to have a blast there and mum told me that she'll be going there next month for about two months that makes me alone in malaysia.Me? I am not interested to go.demmit.Ada jugak yang bunuh diri kang.tsk..tsk..


Anyway,how do you know that your broken heart is fix?
I've been thinking, not thinkinglah but more to feel.So here it goes..

1. when you think of that person you feel nothing and u will said to youself "what was i thinking?"
2. on going/passing the places where remind of of that person you don't feel your heart is aching anymore.
3. when your hear the song that remind you of that person you don't feel sad, instead u cringe.
4. you dun see his vision anymore everywhere you go
5. when other people talk about him you are not interested at all
6. you dun even want to talk to his friends anymore
7. you feel 'the urgh' on thinking on things u did together
8. you feel much much better and more happy with your current life
9. you can manage to thank him for all the lessons you learned
10. you dun keep things that remind you of him
11. you said to yourself "apsalla aku bodoh sangat?"
    
12. you are truly madly deeply in love with other guy
    

Ok.that's for today.
Happy wednesday people!

Paranoid

Ok. I think I'm crazy and I'm paranoid.No, i think i have mental problem.


Like last night, i was supposed to be happy after spending my day with ag instead i cried and as the result my eyes are bapak bengkak today.No, i was happy yesterday but then at the end of the day i felt hollow and as a famous penangis i cried when he asked me what's wrong.what made things worst was he thought that he is the main caused why i felt that shitty.Nola baby, it wasn't you..it was..ermmm..me?cacat tak cacat?


And i am now weight 38 kg.Tadda!!!!I was supposed to be happy but when i looked at the mirror i felt ugly.Gemuk dan huduh.I mean, what's wrong with me? The other day kuman calculated my bmi, mine is 17..the normal bmi is 21,atleast.Hehehehe..well, the thing is..if i am under the par, why am i still not kurus?Ok.solve that later.

the new 38 kg chics

Nway, since i'm such a good gurl, I listened to my friends advice. I tried not to skip my meal anymore..but...there's a problem.Everytime i eat, i will automatically throw up.All the digested food will came out from me. I did not do that on purpose but they came out by themselves. I tried to control it but hehe..even eno wouldn't do the work.You know, if i keep on dong that, i might ended at the hospital.I think i'm bulimic.Help.


I think what chi and ag said it's true. I should not take things too seriously. I should lighten up a bit. I should treasure life. I should not think about those 'what if' thingy.


Tapi masalahnya, aku ini bapak paranoid.
Kontrol freak dan saiko.


Adakah aku perlu berjumpa psychiatrist?
Ok.Solve that.
13 menet dari sekarang.