X-am

phewww...my first paper today..Despite Yamani looks cute today his paper was fucking difficult..atleast for me..i can't seem to know any answer for no 6 till 14.Damn..i know everybody were not suppose to leave early since the paper was hard but ..why in the earth should i stay any longer when i didn't know a shit to write down.Yes..Yes..my answer script is a laughing stock.I bet Yamani is making a joke about me now..whutevaaaa..

on the other hand my recreational paper went well even i didn't study a single thing about it..anyway i was happy..not only because i i manage to answer all questions but also..i can boy surfing cute cute guys(mostly from engineering fac) who also taking exams in DTC.hehhee...no wonder i can think clearly after that ;)

balik rumah..to ease my piece of mind..
mom said aie and dad saw pete!!!but he try to run away?

why r u runnig away from home pete?Dun u miss my hugs and kisses?
*weep*wweep*

might be going for futsal tonite!!yaya..love futsall

+kickin' ass+

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Accompanied yamyam to his futsal session last night.Nuthing much..just the same routine..eat,get fat,laughed and choked.then headed back home.

i wanted to show yamyam the power of friendster.I met a cute guy there..so 'click' i go.

new message from azhan,a close friend of my bro and also a friend of mine.

"hello,how are you.Apa crite?Aku denga aie beritahu kau KAWEN hujung tahung ni"

i freaked out.Get married?With who?After we both(me and yamyam) saw the message we just..dun have anything to talk anymore.

my bro is not the type who like to talk shit about me..i mean he probably refuse to talk about me at all(i understand why) unless there is something important or anyone asked him about me.Which means..he must heard it from mum..mum if u r listening..PLEASE DUN MAKE ANY DESICION FOR ME..and it's my life..

can't sleep after that..

but later this morning when i checked my new inbox messages for me azhan wrote again..something like this


"Oh,bukan ke?tapi aie cakap kau nak kawen..kee..nak bertunang..aku tak sure..hehehheyela..aku rasa bertunang kot bukan kawen.."

only God know how relieve i am..but still..sape lak nak bertunang???

why for all the sudden people tend to bother about my maritial status when i'm only 23??and i know how to take care of myself..maybe it's becoz dad is going off for some work overbroad and mom is going with him..so they need some guardian angel for me?

hummm..on the other hand..yamyam said if it's true..he wouldn't know what to do..That's not the spirit i want..but i guess,he's like that..

what a terrible and lazy day.Didn't have mood to do anything..not after i spent 1 1/2 hrs in the bath tub with my fav bubble foam..ahhhhhh...what a wonderful werld..


+i don't!!+

Bugger

rainy morning..brrr..best way to keep snuggling in bed.instead,I woke up and get connected..

yamyam call..again i was pissed off because he will be bz today..damnla..i shouldn't feel this way.i should feel..unmoved..tak payah marah2..or irritated or try to irritate him back.He should remain as the way i feel about him not as someone that keep flickering in my mind.

azam called..asked about do i have another guy..ironic..why ask the questin that u already know the answer..try my best to stay polite but still speak the truth..As the result..he was kinda sad..uh,oh..

he:what's the purpose of we taking the time off if u r seeing other guy?me:please dun care about me anymore(i know it's lame but that the only
phrase that i could think of)

but he made a point..maybe i should take my time off with yamyam too..hmm..but can i do that?

then he mention about Bad Datuk something2.That Bad saw me partying in some club in my disposed condition..ermmm..and he told azam

"we need to have a long chat.."yes..they are going to make me as the headline.Damnla these people..can they just stick their nose into their own life?

Bugger off!

when i said that to azam he said.."Bad is my old friend..of course he cares about me"..oh..fine..whatever..

i feel crappy..so crappy that i dun even want to study(excuses again..)
sheeeshhh..

study chics..studyy..got to aim high for robotic or else Yamani is going to laugh at my face..

+who will get the last laugh?+

Tut..Tut..

Had my japanese oral today..It was..o.k..can't answer one or two questions..i forgot the words in japanese but sensei just laughed.

Ermm..Not normal..Isn't he supposed to be tensed?

I though he was supposed to ask only 4 questions but it happened to be..tonnes of questions.Finally he asked me some personal questions.

he:did u learn japanese before?
me:ermm..yes.Why?*blink blink*
he:ur japanese is different from the others.Where did u learn japanese b4 this?
me:during my secondary.I was in blablabla..
he:Then i must be strict to u!

duhhh....what the hell is that supposed to mean?Is he going to give me low marks because i just flashed my most dazzled smile when i didn't know what the shit he was talking about?I hope he wasn't that cruel..

When i got home my housemate was using the internet,i wanted to make a phone call but now i can't..and azam called.Later i found out that he was in his way to KL.Probably he has already reach his destination right now.So then i went to have a nap with a hope i can use the phone but even when i woke up..the line is still bz.#@$%#^&..I want to download my notes for the exam..not that i didn't download them b4 but i couldn't find them anywhere.So,here i am in the lab.Writing and irritated.

Tonight, i will be alone.My housemate will be attending some gala dinner.They left me!!!Just because i was not home yesterday..huhuh..but no biggie..and yamyam will come a bit late.Fuck!I wasn't supposed to feel unsatisfied when he can't make it like the way i want to.I mean..i swear i won't be to dependent and i swear i won't give a shit to what he wants to do.I mean we are suppose to have separate life.So why must i have these feeling?Maybe i should see him less or spend less time with him.I hate when i have this kind of feeling..u know when u feel blue..the only thing that can cheer u up is thinking of him..when u are not suppose to do that..araghhh..GO AWAY...

i'm not supposed to fall in love..againn

+When i fall in love..+

Katz and Whiskers

when i woke up this morning,MJ was already waiting for me at the standing fan,licking herself.when i called her she mewed gayly and jumped to me.Aww..isn't that sweet.I wish Pete was here to do the same..so i can pat him and make him purr.I miss my Pete.Where are you?I'm not the only one who is missing him,MJ also seems so miserable.She mewed now and then to seek for her lost brother.Maybe she missed the way he licked her and goof around.I tried to look for pete or maybe some cat dead body but there's not even a clue.Atlest let me know what happen to him.It's disturbing to think of your missing cat in the middle of the night when u miss it..I really love cats.Not just cat,i am an animal lover.I would like to have dogs of my own but as a muslim it's sort of impossible.My mom is the secreatary of Feline Society Malaysia.It's not that i'm not that supportive but sometimes when i see all the darlings were kept on small cages for competition purpose i felt bad.I mean..don't do that to the animal that u love.I used to feel nothing about this ..untill i enrolled MJ and Pete.Seeing them mewed for mercy and they way their eyes looked so sad make me sad.After that,if mum force my darling to be enroll insuch competitions,i refuse to come.Can't bear to see them like that..

My love for cats also is the reasons why i hesistated in making new steps in my love life.I mean..if i won't be seeing azam anymore..that mean no more seeing Fluffy and Brownie.Please no..U see..when Fluffy stayed here not long ago,she will be by my side from the moment i fall asleep and till i open my eyes.She will purss like God know how.rubing her cute face to my hands..Hm..How am i supposed to forget that?Even though i have some allergic reactions to cats fur but still,i love my darlings to the max.Maybe in the future i'll be getting myself an exotic(pug look alike cat) and cornish rex..who knows i could be a breeder..chicsinred bla bla..my own dame..cool

speaking of love..as i read my fav local mag,Eh!,i came across an article by my favourite author,one of the sentences caught my eyes.

"Sometimes 'love' means to let go.Cinta,jika benar ia jujur maka ada masanya kita harus lepaskan dari pegangan dan biarkan ia pergi mencari langitnya sendiri.walaupun 1000 tahun berkawan tapi kalau tiada jodoh apa gunanya"

there're some truth in that sentence.Hmmm...maybe i should reread that article again..and why not?i always like they way she wrote all the articles in her column.then maybe i should rethink..

thinking of going back to hillpark today.Last night my housemate had some outrageous fun without me.:( and yes..that Herman guy is cute..drool..drool..

while studying in front of TV,switching to MTV,Blink 182(I love travis!!) appears..singing Adam's song..Or they should name it Chics' song.

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd've known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when i'm gone

I never conquered rarely came
Sixteen just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldnt wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remembre the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault



I never conquered rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide- the time goes by
The tour is over, I've survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone




+let me let go..darling+

all cried out

i'm at home now.In shah alam..seeking for peace that i never find..yet..i failed to find it again.Humph..mom told me to finish some chores..i wanted to do my study but when i told her that she just..get mad.And again,i'm all alone here..heheh..when i'm alone my mind start to get creative..thinking about yamyam..and azam at the same time.When i open my cupboard..i can see lots of azam's clothes inside..hmm..what would i say to give them back to their owner and how shall i react..when all those stuff is likely belong in my dresser?I mean..it would sure be hard for bth of us to see he gathers all his stuff.Urgh...i hate to think about it..Like yesterday when yamyam told me that he wanted to buy me a new simcard since tmnet sux,for all the sudden i felt like crying..coz my recent simcard was bought by azam just for me so he can call me everyday.It's like..throwing all what he had give me..materially and spiritually.and yesterday i cried again when i told what i have been holding in my heart and mind to yamyam.

i told him..if he really wants me he has to be very patience coz i think i'm sort of scared to repeat the same mistake again..i mean hurting people and getting hurt.That might answer all his questions why sometimes i acted like a stone when he's around..and he'll get upset..so sorry.it's just that i try to deny my own feeling because i'm scared...

as the result f massive waste of tears my eyes are swollen..again..this time i won't get mad if someone stood up to me and speak cantonese.hehehe..even i look thrashy but still i manage to watch identity with yamyam.Brillinat movie..

i'm supposed to study but...

+kill me..kill me..just kill me+

Fired Up

Last night,my housemate and I went to our usual hang out place to have dinner together,mom called me then telling that they'll be coming to send the car.Ok,so it's fine.After we had dinner Farah suddenly decided she wanted to go to planet since it was Free flow for the ladies.margarita is calling so off we go.But then,when we reached there,i suddenly remembered that i'm supposed to meet mom.#$%$#^$&.Camnela boleh terlupe.And then i have to make yamyam's life miserable to picked me up after i told him i want to go partying with my friend instead of seeing him.Yes..ok..ok it's my fault.He was...angry(even he denied it)..He said he didn't like my doing..as the result..i sort of yelled at him and i think he fired up a bit..uh,oh..sorry.I felt bad..i really did but i manage to settle things up.

today,i woke up late and then went to have lunch with ical at midvelli.I want to do my revision for this becoming paper on monday but hum..my mind are roaming somewhere else.I think i'd probably go back to shah alam to sooth things a bit.I know that things would become worst but atleast i'll be left alone with no one to do what ever i want to do..except chilling out.

i might be bz during my semester break,coz i sort of accepting the offer to work for OIC exhibition.I need money,remember?Sometimes i think i would do anything for money.

Might be doing my evening jog this evening or should i go for a swim?As a pieces i think that would be appropriate.;)

+it's all about the money..+

Nihonngo??Hait!!

Supposedly i have my japanese oral today but after waiting for quite a long time i got bored and reschedule my turn to this friday.humpp..and to my suprise i have 2 paper to sit this becoming moday..uh,oh..worst i didn't know which papaer is that.I'd better go and check it out.

i'm happy now.I really do..kind of made up my desicion but urmm..i didn't want to hurt any body.it seem that i didn't think much about azam lately.i know it's cruel and it's bad but that's it.What we had was wonderful but he won't change..what's the use to be in love when u r not happy?i know..i'm cruel..i know that but..it's my life..isn't it?

i am fat and have pimples all over my face.This is bad.Even gradma and my other relatives said 'i had gain some weight'. "Oh,Nina..awak dah tembam"urghhh...nasib baikla dierang org tua..sushhh

i think i should save up some money.I need a new pc.My one pc..not sharing with my bro..and where i can do my own work peacefully.Hummp..that can be arrange since i'll be seeking for part time job next semester.and maybe i can save up to buy furnites for my own.

called azam after hearing some songs that reming me of him.He sounded ok but i'm the one who feel sad.not good.not good..

I have a boring life..what should i do??

+sometimes love is just ain't enough+

kenduri

The kenduri went well, except for all the questions..uh..uh..and i had to wear tudung but that was no biggie.Enjoy my goofing session with my beloved cousins.Ayang told about mom,babbling how bad i get nowadays..well,i did explained to ayang and i cried.It's not my fault!!!

suddenly i got no mood to write anymore..

Peter Parker, i miss u!!

mom called me after i did my recrational test.Pete was missing since the last time i saw him,which was last Sunday.Oh,my don't tell me something bad happen to my Peter Parker.I love that cat so muc.I brought him up by myself,dragging my self to get up every morning at 6.30 a.m to feed him bottld milk.And now his missing.I didn't have any heart to do anything after mom called..And what more, tommorrow grandma will be helding the annual kenduri arwah for my late grandpa since Ramadhan is comming.Bummer, i already have my own plan for tomorrow night.Hump...Maybe i could find the way to attend both occassion.

Family gathering tomorrow..means more pastering about my love life..when will i get engaged..what happen to my relationship and so..Oh noooo..i'm soo doomed.

had 2 test today but i got no mood to do anything.Craps all the ways

More Than Words

nowadays it's hard to find me saying " i love u too" to the other person who uttered those words to me.Not that i don't share the same feeling with him but it just that i found it not amusing to say it back.I think the other person was quite offended with my just-give-me-my-most-dazzling-smile-reaction instead of replying back.Funny eh?Sometimes i can feel my cheeks getting hotter while trying to impress him.urghhh..

Once,a famous motivationer said it's good to say the four letter words several times a day to maintain the feeling we have inside but for me i feel like,if it's beeing uttered frequently,it would become meaningless.I mean,people can lie.I can say I love u thousand times and don't even mean it.Love is a wonderful thing and sometimes it is so wonderful that no words can describe it.The way u look at him,the way u smile at his joke and all the non verbal reactions are enough to show that he's in your heart.

MORE THAN WORDS
Extreme


Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

I think,Extreme is extremely right..

Hanging On

We went to visit Nikkit yesterday.Alhamdulillah her condition is much much more better.She can talk and smile eventhough she looked kinda weak. It must feel so good surrounded by your love ones, family and friends.7 of us came yesterday not including Aileeen and Sue who came earlier the evening.It's good to see everyone again even i see them everyweek.heheh

azam reply my email.A sad one.Urghh..i didn't know what to do,really.I asked nik's and Kat's opinion yesterday.They both said i should do what i think the best.I should not try to remember the past.Let the past be the past.That's true but it's the past who made me what i am today.Both my friend say i should consider my happiness rather feeling sorry for people.Uh,nevermind..the duration is still long.

sometimes i feel like giving up my life.It seems that everything evolving my life seems to hate me,everything seem so wrong.My relationship with my family is getting worst.My love life sucks.My study is totally a disaster the only thing that keep me going is my friends.During lonely night, i thought about several ways to commit suicide.Maybe i can gassed my self just like the chinese guy in the faculty did,i should go to sleep then and forever..Or maybe i should comsume large amount of pills but i hate to feel the pain later.Another alternative is to hire a killer to kill my self.Hmm..or i should cut my self and let me bleed to death.The easiet way is to jump from a high building,which i think i can do that since i always have a fetish to jump from high building.I know it's crazy but i keep thinking about it everynight.One of my friend also suffered from this syndrome but she's seeking help instead,for me i didn't feel like seeking help.I feel like just ending my life.Until today i still try to get a grip..just because i have wonderful friends to keep me up.But i wonder..during lonely night..when my friends are not here...what shall happen to me??

+love me or kill me+

Futsall & Accident

Azam went back and i felt sad.I cried for the whole day thinking what happen. To cheer me up i did some shopping.Shopping was usually the best cure for my sadness but suprisingly i only felt a bit relieve not as usual.Anyway i did enjoyed my shopping session.Bought a new sport bottom and a new book called 'i'm a beleiver'.Haven't got any chance to read it yet.I only read a few pages while enjoying my lasagne at Dave Deli.I should say the lasagne is not perfectly cooked,still can feel the cold layer.Humpph...

Had a futsal session last night and a game before that.I didn't get involved with the game but nikkit did.And he got a fractured skull as a result.Hearing the news make me want to cry.She was one of my best mate.I did saw her fall yesterday,while we were cheering on her.The bad bit was she fall on her head first rather letting her body touched the ground at first contact. Then she was kinda puking and all.The most stupid thing was sport planet who was the host that night didn't have any emergency helpers or something.When we questioned them,they said they didn't expect this sort of things to happen.What the F**k?They paid RM160 to enroll the tournament and the management have the guts to say those shit??My other friends brought her to SJMC.Last thing i heard before bedtime was she was getting water dripped inside her body.I hope she will be OK.I certainly hope she will. I might be visiting her tonight with Nik.Anyway my futsal session went well as usual last night.

I thought i told azam not to call me or whatsoever but he did.He said he couldn't help himself and he missed me.I did missed him too but we are supposed to do our time off. He sounded sad when i reminded him of that,i didn't intend to hurt him.

Today...might be as usual..except i did my group presentation just now which was so crappy since i only prepared this dawn.hehehe..my mistake.Hmm..If only i have more time to spent for my study..

Opps..I Spilt The Milk

Went for a dinner with azam,i try to act sweet coz i'm trying to hang on with our relationship..heh but he didn't seem to bother..not even trying.I try to talk to him but he gone mad and for all the sudden i regret saying what i say last night and felt what i feel last night.If i knew this is going to happen, i won't spill anything..i thought he would understand my situation but the actual thing is he didn't.I know that i am wrong and i'm in a chaotic position but all i want is for him to help me out.not to blame me for all the wrong doing that i have done in order to face all the problems i have.

Rizal called and we talked about over an hour.He told me if i want to save my relationship i have to change and he accused me for not beeing strong.I was kinda mad but after sometime i think he's right.I have to change.I have to forget my so-called-social-life if i want azam.The thing is,if i don't have such life what am i supposed to do?I have no one around me.My girlfriends are so bz with their guys and my guy friends..erm..i dun want to hang out with them all the time.Maybe i should get bak to my weeping stage coz my 'get bz' plan didn't work out.I can try to tone up my bods or i can be a sim addict again..hmmm
we shall see what happen.

i should be someone better instead of ruining my life with so called 'temporary excitement'.I shall try my very best :)

Cry me A river

There's a white gold with diamond ring on my left finger that i kept wearing for the past 5 years. The ring itself have many story to tell.Someone very special gave it to me once,he said the ring symbolize his feeling towards me and as long as i have the same feeling to share with him,it shall be remain at the right place where it should be.I always cheerish my ring as i cheerish the person who gave it to me but yesterday i hurted him so bad.

He is a man who seldom cry but yesterday he cried his heart out when i told him the truth,the ugly truth that i've been hiding from him.I told him that i still love him,i still care for him but i also told him that i am no longer with him.He told me he understood but he also told me that no matter what happen,if he was lying on his death bed,i will always remain inside him.Hearing his word and seeing he took it like a man made me wept.Why didn't he just go ballistic and yell at me so that i can hate him?Why must he be a man out of him that make me feel like hugging him and tell him everything will be fine?I know that i'm cruel and it's so unfair to me.Pleeding him to stay in KL,but he said that is sort of impossible.

My man is on his highest level now.He is someone at his work,have a personality,good looks,strong character and good pay.He should be proud of himself coz he nearly achieve all his dream instead he told me he regret having what he got today because he has to sacrifice something he really treasure in his life.So i told him that's the price he got to pay.On his way to achieve what he wants,he slowly shoved me aside without realising it.But i'm happy because eventually he got what he had been dreaming on.If i ever have to leave him,i know that i leave him in a very good condition and i surely hope there will be another gurl who can take care of him they i did and see him as the way did.

i'm taking a time off for a month to see how things going.I hope i will miss him coz deep inside i still want him in my life.

T.A.B

I was thinking of getting a haircut but it didn't happen coz the student hairstylist was not there.Surely i won't be spending my rm30 to get a simple hair cut.I just want a bit of my hair beeing chopped.Not restyle it..I can do that my self if i want to.I tried to console my self by saying "long hair is so in" and then decided to find a new scrunchie for my old hair when there i met umi who was also alone.Not having my lunch yet, we headed for Dave Deli and i had a plate of lasagne.Then she said something

she:i think u should take a time off
me:time off what?
she:from your relationship with azam.imagine u won't call him for quite a long time..it's like
he's gone from your life.
me:err??
she:if u think u miss him then u know you still want him.

well i thought that was quite an idea.I should be practising that but imagining not having contact with azam suddenly make me feel weak.Maybe the distance, i mean the feel of lost will make me change my mind. Human tend to neglect the things they have and when it's gone..that's the time when we regret.Hoping we would get another chance and wishing we would appreciated of the grived lost thing better.I am azam and he is me..if anything happen between us he will always have a special place in my heart.He took a great care of me for the past 6 years..it just that the excitement is gone.I told umi that and as usual she always had something else to say.

she:if u love someone,it doesn't mean u have to enjoy beeing with him.It's the love..

hmmm..how can that be true?I am a gurl full of excitement and he is a guy who just love to laze around at home..definitely not my type.he's coming back this weekend.I'll try to talk to him,eventhough i know he will not succumb to my sugesstion.He is the man who always think he's right..and probobly think he's the greatest.

Life is just complicated isn't it?

+it's better to be love and hurt rather than not to be loved at all+

Zap zap

Spent my weekend in the Pearl of the Orient.It's quite a marvellous trip except for the tiring part..too bad we didn't have much time to spent for sight seeing.Might be going there again just to enjoy and relax.

Due to the long journey,i caught the flue for two days..leaving me feeling dizzy and wanted to pull out my nose.So i skipped class for two days and regretted it later.Especially robotic class..Yamani told me already that he wants to see my face in his class(after what-a-session) which i really really made up my mind to go but when my head was so heavy yesterday, i decided i'd rather stay with yam yam who happen to skip the job today(thanx to me for my PHD.in provokating people.)

Today,i might be watching movies together with some friends.Hmmm...Should i get a haircut?I think i'm sort of bored with my haircut..or maybe my look.For lots of woman,getting a haircut is so i need when u want to change your life.I mean,woman always get a haircut for a certain reasons like..getting dump,starting a job or when they feel so depressed.In my case..i just feel like i want a new life..hehhe?Issit relevant?But, i also want the girly-long-hair look that is so hot now.U know the 'cinta-cinta' type..hehehe

my caough is getting worst and worst everyday..should seize the smoke..

Fat ass

Finally,after a week of procrastination i managed to finish the book by Sophie Kinsella during my boring Japanese class.To me it was an amazing book, since i love to dream a lot..marry the rich and so on.And she made it so beautifully.It made me laugh and smile at the same time!If u fancy gurl power and shing shing kind of book, this book is a must.I had stop buying books for about a year ago before my life turn upside down.The last book i bought before this one is call Anne Frank's diary.It's kinda touching although by reading it i feel a bit suffocated.Well..but now i think i should be sticking back to my buying-books-habit rather than buying-shoes habit.

So..Can U keep A secret?hahah....Interesting questions.or should i say..do u do white lies?I know not all secrets have to be a lie but most of the are..reading the book make me think a bout my self.Yep..i've been keeping secrets from my parents, my boyfriends and my friends. I know that i am supposed to be honest but..ermm..sometimes..there are few things that we should keep it to ourself..to avoid confrontation and probably to please people.But it's kinda difficult not to spill it..once in a while it will be spill and i have to bear the consequences.

i went back to SA to help mom bath all my darlings and we had lunch together.While driving the car, she glance at me..especially my thigh and she gasp..

"oh my, u are getting fatter..even aunty Fatimah told me she hardly recognize u coz u have full(did she actually mean fat?) cheeks"

i was like..shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttt..i knew i was fat and so far my diet plan didn't go anywhere.huhuhuhh...i tried my best to remember that i should do simple exercise everyday instead i only remember to consume more fat everynight...just before bedtime.Tsk..tsk..Maybe....maybe i should go clubbing tonight..just to loose my weight..or my fat thigh..it's a good idea isn't it?

speaking of my darlings,dad finally succeed to catch ZUES, the pedigree siamese(or stupid siamese i should say) after he ran away for about 2 days.Stupid cat..i will never forget the day he bite and scratched my hand..and let it bled even though i knew he demands for his freedom just like me.It's not my fault he's beeing kept in a cage but he is the one who doesn't know how to behave..plus if he was freed..mom probobly will cry finding him trying to copy other cats eating rubbish and leftovers from the dustbin.On the other hand,Fluffy is so getting horny that when i tried to pat her, she wanted to mate with my hand and she keep following Pete around even he is now nuetered.how horny is that??

Uncle Zahir have cancer.Lungs cancer and it has spread to his body that u could see a big lump on his back.I was mortified,even we are not that close..i was nearly on tears when mom told me the news.Not my own uncle..the one who always teased me while puffing his cigar..cigars..yep..that's what make him what he is now today.Even people know that smoking is bad for their own health but still...maybe they are waiting for it to happen to themselves..as i am writing this i am also trying to remind myself..to stop smoking..and also..i realized i haven't been seeing my family for quite a long time..i must attend all my family gathering..i must..

i didn't call azam at all yesterday till he called me with a very weak voice.He was having a high fever..and i was having a good time..his voice was so..sad coz he said the day before he got sick he was waiting for me to call him and he missed me so much till he got the 'missing-u-fever'.I dun care if he is lying to me but the idea of him lying on his bed,looking so helpless with no one around make me suddenly want to fly there..to comfort him..to take care of him.I told him to go to the clinic to see the docter instead he said he didn't need a doctor what he needed is a warm hug from me.I called him after that to check how was he doing and the first thing i woke up this morning, i did call him again.From his voice,i knew he was happy..and i was happy to know that he is happy.Afterall he is still my boyfriend.

Darn!!

I was prepared for the Face Recognition discussion..with a full mood to start a new day but as i open the lectura hall door,wishing to see Mr.WCS face instead i saw Mr.tutor(can't remember his name) face.Ughh........why should my day be spoiled by something like this.If i enter the class,all i got are just crap,crap and more crap.From the first day he teached the class, i have zero understanding .what make it more interesting is..he likes me..as in his target to ask questions or to show that my stupidity level is at the max.Not that i want to disgrade him..no..it's just that..i'm soooo frusfurated..i want to satisfy myself by showing i still CARE about my study not like other people think..(including me actually).And then i make my way to the lab..as usual.

And at 4,i'll be resiting my robotic test.I hope i can do the test..i did my studying last night in my bedroom although i must admit the were goofy elements in that session..heheheh..I screwed up on my last test..Mr.Yamani must laugh all his lungs out while reading my answer script.He must have think i'm kind of bimbo of sumthing.All though he have a cute face but his words can kill u.Uh..oh..that's remind me that i have too see him personally about my tutorial marks dispite my absentees in his class.Tsk..tsk..i sense danger abroad.

mom called..she want me to go back to S.A to bath all kitties..humm..i wish i could but when???i'm so damn bz..but i think i'll try to make it.Whatever that makes her happy..that's the least i could do after abandoning home for about 1 month,Anyway, i have to send back my car coz i'll be out of town this week.Just let Ayie use it.Even we always yell at each other and call each other stupid name, i still consider him as my brother.It's good to have him around.Once in a while we would talk about serious things that he would never tell my parents.It's like..i'm the only person he trust in the house.Well..the truth i feel same way too.Even he is such a brat, he always keep my secret as i keep his secret.Sometime i wish i have big borthers or sisters.When i'm in need to talk to someone really close,sadly no one is there for me.During my schooling years, my friends were like my sisters but now i'm no more in that world.My friends are my friends.If i have something so deep in my mind..i have to keep it myself..and make my mind became more psychotic everday..

+"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye." +

attitude pleazeeee!!!!

uh,i thought i would make it to class today but hey ho..i didn't coz a friend stayed over last night and we chatted untill we forgotten that we have agendas to do the next morning.hehe..but really, i think few people are getting bored with my attitude.I have to attend class!!not only i fail to make my attendance today but it also occured yesterday..errr...the monday night..i got wasted out..so..tsk..tsk..

not only that, i also failed to follow my diet plan.:(..i tried my best not to ate dinner twice but so far everything was out of control.I have to do it coz i'm getting bloatier than ever.Amazing(?) to find that my fav jeans is so tightly worn.Oh no..i think i should try to reshrunk my self.

On weekend i did lots of shopping..until i felt so worn out..but i did enjoyed it..i always enjoy shopping.Then we went for a karaoke session.I hate my voice coz it sucks..seriously it does but anyhow i can't resist singing one or two songs and regretted it later.I must say i kinda enjoyed it.When i'm with azam,we never did this kind of things..we only cruised the mall..and visit few places..hm..i wonder why we never had this kind of excitement.

I should change my lazy attitude.Tonight i have to study(i know..i said it like 100 times)..but atleast i have a new resolution..right??uh, anyway i bought a new book call "Can u Keep a secret" by..errr..the same person who wrote..something-something shopaholic.It's a hillarious book.Hmm...how can i study when i have a good book to read??

+The challenge is not to manage time, but to manage ourselves.
~ Steven Covey+